After school ended on Thursday, I went to Koch’s class to return my textbooks and ended up staying there to help her carry some textbooks from a storage room to her classroom. A couple of other students helped out too. One of them is a mutual friend of mine, and through her, I was able to learn that Koch doesn’t use the school textbook for precalc but rather some other textbook. I got the name of the other textbook, and now I’ll be using it to study over the summer, ey! After that, I hung out with Karena for a bit. We went to Blackberry Farm, more specifically down to the creek. There was a tiny bridge made out of rocks and we both sat on them and spoke. I found a little stick and I used it to swish the water back and forth gently. There was a tiny waterfall falling into one side of the creek and we tried to block it for fun. We spoke about our school year, and I found out that it’s really difficult for me to talk about the things I went through. It’s hard for me to open up, as I am a very private person naturally, but I also realized that I don’t want to talk about my difficult times if the other person seemed to take it lightly or as if it was completely normal and nothing, dare I say, special. Even though my rational brain knows that it isn’t anything special or unique, I still don’t want my difficult times to be looked upon so lightly. It makes it feel as if my suffering doesn’t mean much.
I came home, bickered with my parents a bit, started cleaning my room lightly, and then I found out that I did pretty badly on the chem final, didn’t do too well on the Math final (didn’t get an A), and yeah I felt really bad. So I slept for some 3 hours to make the feeling go away (it didn’t really), and in the end, I felt slightly better about the whole situation. I didn’t want to think about how badly I did and my grades bc the school year was over and now it’s a new start.
I read the introduction for Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be and then took my time brushing, putting moisturizer on my face, and sleeping. I slept around 11:45 pm. I woke up at 7 am, did some work around the house, cleaned my room some more, picked some colleges for college tours, fought with my parents over them, and then left to go outside. I went to Starbucks, got a nice drink, and then headed over to the creek from the day before. It was aesthetic and calm. I caught up a little with Raúl, which was very nice, and I just relaxed for a bit. Then Muskaan said she can go to the mall so I hurried up and went home. I went with my mom to deliver Saanvi’s lunch, came home, took a long shower, ate lunch while watching an episode of Demon Slayer Season 2, and then got ready to go to the mall. Manu, Muskaan, and I went to a sunglasses store to try out cute sunglasses, headed over to Nordstorm next to pick out cool and expensive af dresses for each other, got this huge fitting room to try clothes together with Manu and I bickering all the time, got food, went to Sephora and then to some bath and body work store to smell pleasing perfumes. Towards the end, when we were walking over to Safeway from the mall so Manu’s dad could pick us up, my mom called me to tell us to be careful because there was apparently some threat of shooting in Valleyfair. I immediately told the other girls and we all started panicking. We got to the car safely, agreed to not tell him about the gun shooting thing, and exchanged looks the whole way home and when we got off. It was fun and tiring. I came home to watch Demon Slayer and read fanfiction. Stayed up till 12 am and forgot about reading lol.
The next day I woke up around 10 am, did some work around the house, worked on my college tours research doc, and read some fanfiction. I got ready to go to the meditation class. After coming home, I read some more fanfiction, worked on finishing all of the Wisernet tasks due to the next couple of days, and then added some more to my college tours research doc.
Yesterday was the second day of summer and I cried in my meditation class as a result of the technique which releases pent-up stress and painful memories/emotions that have been bothering me. I got my one-word mantra (which I absolutely love) which I’m not supposed to tell anyone so it doesn’t lose its effectiveness. My teacher is very experienced and accomplished. He’s a direct disciple of the Maharishi who founded my class. My teacher is very nice and patient. After doing some work, I fell asleep around 7 pm after lightly meditating and slept for a shocking 14 hours. The most I’ve ever slept at a time. I had many dreams, most of which were anxiety-related/inducing. In one of them, I liked that [secret name] was jealous of Raúl and was very possessive of me. Even though our interactions are only through text in real life, I find that I dream about him and think about him whenever these interactions happen. Maybe I am in love with him. He used to be very dear to me once. But he hurt me a lot and I started to hate him. I know I don’t sound like I hate him very much. But it’s complicated. I hate him and love him. I’m not sure if I am in love with him though. I just hate that he hurt me that badly. But a part of me still seeks his approval, praise, and affection. Sigh.
On the third day of summer, which is today, I woke up late due to the 14 hours of sleep. I read fanfiction, had a light fight with my mom, had some fun with Saanvi, and went to the meditation class again. I didn’t cry in class today (thank god) and I did better as my breathing didn’t start messing up. My shoulder hurt a lot, but I felt much calmer and grounded mentally after it was over. I wasn’t as prone to mood swings and emotions. That felt nice. I learned the benefits and importance of a good sleep schedule. It was nice. I felt really calm. I came back home and started working on my college tour research doc again.
Yep. That’s what’s happened so far.
Cya.